Comes the Dawn
by Tracy
Summary: Tom and Cassy's first encounter after Noir


# Comes the Dawn

The gentle breeze caught errant strands of blonde hair, sweeping them upwards towards a sky which was making mild threats of rain. Bare toes buried themselves into the warm sand next to discarded sandals as the world passed by, unnoticing. 

From behind dark glasses, Cassy St. John watched the occasional early morning passerby from her secluded spot without much interest. The sound of waves as the tide went out lulled her nearly to sleep. _*Not that I couldn't stand an hour or two of serious napping, but it's not gonna be on a public beach,*_ she thought, trying to shake the lethargy from her brain and body. In three days she'd scarcely caught three hours of real sleep. The strain and upheaval of the last weeks had taken a heavy toll on the detective. Her world was changing around her, and her footing was far too uncertain for luxuries like sleep. Her heart ached painfully in her chest as she absentmindedly fingered the crumpled piece of paper in her pocket, and withdrew it once again. Her tired eyes drifted over the now familiar words printed there in fading letters, giving her a small measure of comfort and strength. The irresistible tide of change was taking her with it. 

It was only a few hours ago that she'd stood in the Lipschitz' doorway, a long night behind them. _*You're sure about this, Harry? Really sure?* she asked one last time before leaving. _

_*I am,* he replied, quiet strength in his voice. *It's time. Call me a relic, but I can't work in a system like this. It used to be about making the world a safer place to live in. I don't know what it's about now. I can't grow another set of eyes to watch my ass. No, I think it's time for me to hand in my badge and learn how to sew.* _

_The look in his eyes had said it all. He was tired. _

Her eyes were captured by the sight of a lone figure crossing the sand towards her. The dark sunglasses which adorned his face hid hazel eyes she knew well. She'd known this moment would come, and though she'd imagined every possible scenario, she was helplessly unprepared. Her heart sank into the pit of her stomach as he drew near. 

Cassy sensed more than saw the hesitation in his step as he spotted her, and she knew at that moment that he was as unprepared as she. His arm was still in a sling from the wound inflicted by Virginia, but the most grievous injury he'd sustained at the hands of his fiance could not have been treated at the hospital. His smile appeared uncertain as he sought permission to join her. 

The blonde detective sighed softly in resignation, turning her head to look at the outgoing tide, and she heard the shifts in the sand as he sat down. 

"I thought I'd find you here." His voice broke the spell of solitude she'd woven around herself. 

"When did you get out of the hospital?" she asked, grateful for the barrier of her sunglasses as she faced him. 

"Yesterday. I tried to call you, but I just got your machine." 

"You didn't leave a message," she stated needlessly. She'd been there when the phone rang, and the machine picked up, recording only the click of a broken connection. She'd known who it was. 

"I didn't want to get cut off in mid apology by a time limit." 

Cassy could hear the fear in his voice, the penitent child come to ask forgiveness but unable to find the right words. _*Is he really sorry, or does he just not want to make waves?*_ she wondered, not for the first time. Always so eager to please, always the first to offer to mend the fence Tom never could stand to have anyone angry with him. "There's no need for an apology, Tom." 

"There is," he insisted softly. "Cass, you're the one person in the world I never, ever wanted to hurt" 

"You didn't hurt me, Tom," Cassy interrupted, the strength in her voice surprising her. 

Tom shook his head, denying her words. "I saw your face, the look in your eyes What I said was completely out of line. What I said wasn't true. I was angry, devastated, and I was lashing out. I lashed out at you because you were still standing when life brought me to my knees. I lashed out at you because something in me believed that you were strong enough to take my pain. The words were out of my mouth before I could stop them." 

Cassy held up a hand in hopes of silencing her ex. Her voice remained calm and steady, while his faltered. "I'm not denying that I was hurting, Tom. What I'm trying to say is that you're not the one who hurt me. I hurt myself." 

A look of confusion appeared on his face, and it strengthened her. "I've been doing a lot of thinking these last few days," she continued. 

"So have I," he said, moving a little closer. "Cassy, I don't want to lose you. Not as a friend, not as a partner Harry told me about the request you put in. Please, believe me when I tell you that I didn't mean what I said. I loved you when we got married, and I don't think I've ever stopped. Even after you left, when I was with Virginia again, I couldn't stop thinking about you." 

"Stop it, Tom," Cassy demanded sharply in frustration. "You're not listening to me. You're turning this into something about you, and it's not about you. It's about me. When you said you never loved me, it was like you pulled the rug out from under me. Something in my emotional foundation cracked. I should have slapped you in the face, and told you to go to hell and stormed out. But I didn't. I fell apart." The words poured straight from her heart with a momentum she hadn't expected. "I felt like the last few years had all been a lie. Our marriage, our friendship, our partnership, everything we'd built back up since the divorce. Everything. In that instant I not only believed that you never loved me, but that no one ever could." 

Tom cringed back slightly from her words, and she could see the guilt written on his face. She began again before he had a chance to speak. "Your words shot me right back to the day my mother told me she was sending me to live in Texas. Every feeling of inadequacy I'd ever had, every doubt I'd ever had about whether or not I was good enough just boiled right to the surface again. See, when you married me, I didn't just feel loved I felt loveable. It was like finding an oasis in the desert. But, the truth I'm beginning to see is that I am what I am, no matter how you felt about me. I am who I am no matter how my mother feels about me. I had no idea how much of my own self-worth I'd based on how other people felt about me. The important thing should be the way I feel about myself. You didn't hurt me, Tom. I did." 

Tom at last removed his sunglasses, turning sincere eyes to her face. "Our marriage wasn't a lie, Cass" 

"Maybe it was," she replied without malice. "But not for the reasons you're thinking. When you proposed to me, you wanted something. Something I had the power to give you. You wanted me to marry you, so I had the upper hand. I lost that upper hand the minute we said 'I do'. The divorce gave it back to me. Having that power may have been more important to me than having your love. I did love you, Tom. I know that for a fact. I just couldn't live with you. Whether or not you loved me is pretty much irrelevant now. It's ancient history. I can't go back and fix my relationship with my mother. We can't go back and fix our marriage, or fix what happened a few days ago. Going back isn't an option." 

Tom was silent for what seemed to be an eternity. Hazel eyes turned away from the face of the woman he'd been married to, and seemed to search the retreating waves for the answers he needed. "Where do we go from here?" he asked once more. 

Her reply was simple. "I don't know where you're going, Tom. I'm choosing forward." 

Her heart ached at the sight of his retreating back, watching a part of her life disappear with him, and she mourned. She mourned for a life that might have been, and the things she might never know. She mourned for the lost dreams of two people who had been changed beyond recognition by circumstances beyond their control, and events long passed. 

Her gaze drifted down to the object she still held in her hand, the slip of paper she'd saved since high school, the words on it as familiar to her by now as her own name, and read it silently. 

_"Come the Dawn"_

_After a while you learn the subtle difference  
Between holding a hand and chaining a soul  
And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning  
And company doesn't mean security  
And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts  
And presents aren't promises  
And you begin to accept your defeats  
With your head up and your eyes open  
With the grace of a woman,  
Not the grief of a child  
And learn to build all you roads  
On today because tomorrow's ground  
Is too uncertain for plans, and futures have  
A way of falling down in mid-flight.  
After a while you learn that even sunshine  
Burns if you get too much  
So plant your own garden and decorate  
Your own soul instead of waiting  
For someone to bring you flowers  
And you learn that you really can endure  
That you really are strong  
And you really do have worth  
And you learn, and learn...  
With every goodbye you learn.  
(Author Unknown)_

FIN


End file.
